Dear Love

Dear Love,

I must begin this letter with an apology. Forgive me for disgracing you and falling short of the spectacular action of loving. There is very little in my life that is love. Forgive me for trying to understand.

Love, you are elusive. Beautiful. Dangerous. Healing. Abusive. Honest. And yet these are only words: only adjectives to describe something so beyond words, and yet so close to them. You confuse me Love, or maybe I'm only blundering over myself. I'll stop trying to define your characteristics myself, after all, I have no idea spawned from my own head that depicts you correctly. Love, you are patient, kind, you do not envy or boast, you are not proud. You are not rude or self-seeking, you are not easily angered, and you keep no record of wrongs. Love, you do not delight in evil; you rejoice with the truth. You will always protect, trust, hope, and persevere.

Love, you can do all those things. Shouldn't you have more friends? You are so perfect, why do people disrespect you? Why doesn't everyone want to hold your hand, stand beside you, and be wrapped in your arms? Love, they take your name in vain. They throw around tired phrases and exhausted cliches. You deserve so much better.

Love, what are your plans and ideas? Where are you going and what will you do? I'll never be able to fully understand you. I'll never be able to embrace the trust and care that you are, Love. I wish I could just grasp you. You're everything I need, Love. More than that, you are what I need to be. You are the best role model. Oh, Love, what do you want me to do?

Love, you really shouldn't keep coming back to me. I don't even deserve to speak your name. I have never done anything worthy of you. I can only pretend. I have my own ideas about you, Love. I have been judgemental of you and at times decided I didn't really need you. I thought my actions were enough. But they were nothing without you, Love.

I saw you the other day. I stumbled across you really. I didn't even have the decency to say hello at the time, but now I remember. You were there, in the corner of the classroom. And in the hallway. I saw you stoop to hand a student his papers, and you were late to class because of it. I saw you yet again when someone lost their pencil; she was so worried and flustered that she wouldn't be able to take an important test, and you handed your only pencil to that girl. You had to struggle through the next class, and remember the notes in your head.

Did you know we live in the same neighborhood? I had forgotten. You were next door today, helping a young woman catch her runaway dog. It was cold and windy, but you never yelled, gave up, or left her. You stayed until the beagle was safely home. I've realized now you are everywhere I am, except in me. Love, I promise to look for you more often, I know I will see you.

Vulgarity made fun of you last week. He called you coarse names and pushed you. You faced him and asked if he'd like to strike you again. But never were you cynical, or sarcastic in your reaction. Your eyes were clear and your face inquiring. No scorn or contempt, no tease or jest came out of your voice.

Love, can you teach me? Allow me to learn from you. I will try to allow myself. You're all I want and all I need, and I didn't take that line from a song.

I will try, Love. I will try so hard to be like you. I will find ways to serve and believe, but it will take time. I promise I will try.

Sincerely Yours,
katie

In the summer of 2008 I accompanied a very close friend of mine (Kayla) to the stable where she keeps her horse. I ride as well, but at a different farm. However, I used to attend her stable, so I knew many of the people and horses there.

My friend is a very very good rider. She does super well at local and rated shows. She was riding a horse for the owner of the farm because the owner (Sue) wanted to sell him. Kayla was demonstrating the various abilities the horse had. It was very important to Sue that the prospective buyers knew exactly what they were getting. Dewey (the above mentioned horse) was not known to be particularly energetic or fast, but that day he was zipping around the ring at a very smooth and un-Dewey-like gait.

To get Dewey to be so enthusiastic in the first place, Kayla was holding a crop. A crop is like a small, unbendable whip. When used correctly, it is a very effective tool for riding. Kayla knows how to use her tools correctly. Dewey knew she was holding the crop, so he automatically picked it up.

Sue noticed the difference and made Kayla continue to canter around and around the ring. She wanted no discrepancies during the potential sale. Neither Sue, Kayla, nor I knew what could be making him move so much differently. Eventually Kayla dropped the crop and Dewey returned to his normal, slow, lazy self.

This is irrelevant to my point, but unfortunately Dewey went lame right before the potential buyers could see him. All that work.


I think God gives us encouragement. Like a crop: a tool that God uses, whether it's a person, event, impulse, or idea.We get excited and we perform to our best ability. We are built to move smoothly. I believe that. But sometimes, nope, all the time, things like laziness, unmotivatedness, and pretty much anything else get in our way. And lots of times these things are brought on by ourselves. It is much easier to work the way you are meant to when a friend is encouraging you, or working beside you.

Dewey lost his encouragement. We do too sometimes. But you can get it back. God readily gives us everything we need. It's never his fault if we don't receive it. If you can't find your encouragement on earth, well, it's not like you've looked too many places.

When I in Awesome Wonder

So that's a cheesy title. But I don't mind. Because it's true. A little while ago (like maybe two weeks) I was in awesome wonder of God. Because I helped someone. Not through my own abilities and intelligence, because I don't have much of that. I believe God has given me any talents I possess. I will hone them and allow them to grow inside of me, but only with His help. Anyway. I helped someone I care about. More like God through me helped them. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of being used by God.

And when I hung up the phone assured that God had done a wonderful job in comforting that person and fantastically satisfied with the role God gave me in their life, I was in awesome wonder.

I couldn't believe how big God felt in that moment. And how encompassed in Him I felt. I would like to feel like that much more. It's moments like those that make seemingly tedious Bible reading extraordinary and simple prayers like fireworks in the form of words. I'd love to be in awesome wonder of God all the time.

I'm not a people person, but I like parties.

I'm not a people person, but I like parties. I recently discovered (approximately 37.2 seconds ago) that I don't have a fondness for people. If I meet you, I probably will act like I don't like you, because I'm afraid you don't like me. And I want you to like me, but I will often second guess your positive feelings for me. Because I think I may have done something you didn't like, or something to offend you. And I don't want to do that. I really do want people to like me, but I'm too afraid to truly be myself and allow them to like me, because I'm scared they won't like me anyway.

And even if I try to be who I am around you and you don't like it, I'll think it's my fault. Because I must have done something wrong for you to not like me. I'm pretty sure this all adds up to a frozen girl on the outside. But I think I'm pretty sunny and warm most of the time. I'm not a cold person, but I will be quiet and very un-katiecupcakeish at times around people I get negative or potentially negative vibes from.

I do like parties. Probably because the only parties I go to entail me being around my favorite people. I do have favorite people. I do have friends. I have wonderful, amazing friends whom I am myself around and whom I have confidence around. And that's why I go to parties. To see and interact with the people I love dearly. But I need to love everyone dearly. And a lot of times I don't know what that looks like on the soccer field, or at school, or even in my own home.

Maybe I should focus on my own feelings about myself, I can't change any one's mind for them. All I can do is improve my attitude. I'm going to try. Try to be warmer and more receptive. And have a positive attitude about everything I do that involves people. But sometimes people truly don't like you. And they don't even have a good reason. I guess I can't worry about that. That should be something they handle, not something I worry about.